Monday, April 28, 2008

ULTIMATE SUMMER VACATION

The summer is quickly approaching and the time has come to start planning a summer vacation. Every Friday around 1:30, New Yorkers start their mass exodus to that glorious place known as The Hamptons. Sure The Hamptons are great with all of the ridiculously rude New York society members who feel “entitled” to rule the beaches, nightclubs, and polo matches. But I am looking for something more in my summer vacation. I need to go somewhere that will allow me to leave the hustle and bustle of a busy New York life behind. Somewhere that brings me back to simpler times where unanswered e-mails are not my top priority. It needs to be a place where I can indulge my passion for beeswax candle making, formal tea service, and my bitter hatred for the King. I am talking about Williamsburg. No not the hipster neighborhood in Brooklyn with skinny jeans, Chuck Taylors and $2 PBRs. I am talking about Colonial Williamsburg in Virginia, the cornerstone of activity during the American Revolution. Have you seen the commercials? It looks like so much fun. They are not just preserving historical houses; they have created a “living museum!” Honestly, who doesn’t enjoy a drum and fife band marching though the street? I know I do. Why would you ever want to go to The Hamptons when you could go to Williamsburg and witness the collapse of the British royal government? Sure, a lot of celebs frequent their Hamptons mansions during the summer months, but I’d much rather debate over the newly written Declaration of Independence with the likes of Thomas Jefferson, Patrick Henry, and George and Martha Washington. Plus the fashions in Williamsburg are much more my taste. I have to say that I look pretty damn good in a petticoat and bodice. I'm also a sucker for a guy in a tri corner hat.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I'M JUST SAYING...

I have a new blog that I am addicted too. Basically this is what I wish my blog could be, provided that I was funny enough. It’s called Not Hating, Just Saying. It’s written by three comedians who list different things that they hate. Things among this list include: Office One-Liners, People Who Run Marathons, Local News and my personal favorite, Hipsters…

HIPSTERS

I’m not hating, but hipsters suck - they are a waste of space. You guys are some of the biggest haters in your own right, and that’s why I hate you. Your whole goal in life is to hate on stuff that everyone else likes and then love stuff that everyone else hates. This isn’t just because you were born different and you just happen to like different stuff. This is because you were such a clown growing up that you were forced to find the shit that nobody else wants and call it your own.

Let’s say the world is like a big pack of wolves, which it basically is. You all would be the lowest dog on the hierarchy. You pick up the scraps after everyone is done with them already. The thing is you have been doing this shit for so long, that you are able to pretend that you like it! You guys take everyone’s trash and love it. Maybe you should be called dumpsters instead of hipsters.

Here is a perfect example: thrift store clothes. The stuff you are buying (overpriced, I might add) from a thrift store(or vintage) was shit that was hot 20 years ago, but you rationalize it by saying “it’s ironic.” You just picked up the scraps of some guy who is now 30 but wore that stuff when he was 17…oh wait you are 30 also. High school hipsters I get, but old hipsters? There ain’t shit hip about a 45 year-old in skinny jeans. Why don’t you just go to the kids you hated in high school's old houses and raid their childhood closets? That way you can wear the very clothes of those that were such “jerks” to you in high school. How is that shit for ironic?
There is one thing I have to give you guys credit for because this is truly one of the strangest phenomenons I’ve ever seen. It is your ability to infiltrate a neighborhood and plant the seed of a pretentious gentrification bomb. Now I believe - and I’ll have to check the hater records - but I believe you guys may have taken over as the top gentrifyers on earth. I guess that makes sense because no one really wants to be around you, so you go places where people will just ignore you if they can. As far as hipster, you are always left alone, no one wants to deal with you.

Case in point, hipsters open up a bar right in the middle of a historically Black or Hispanic neighborhood, yet the music, the beer, and the atmosphere are soooo shitty that not one person actually from that neighborhood wants to set foot in the establishment! How the fuck did you all do that? I know that the music of some asshole from Iceland no one has ever heard of and the scent of PBR is enough to keep most people away, but not one local!? People avoid you like the plague, I guess they don’t want any of your fake apathy to rub off on them.

Fake apathy? Yes, you know what I am talking about hipsters, so don’t even deny it. The type of apathy where you say stuff like “I don’t care man, it doesn’t even matter what I wear,” even though you actively seek out the lamest (ironic) shit that you can find so you can put yourself on display out in some sort of hipster establishment. I’m sure you don’t give a shit, even though your skinny jeans ran you like $170, and your nondescript hoody, which looks like it is cheap but it is actually from American Apparel so it ran you a little over $120. Yea,

it’s pretty clear you don’t give a shit.
Just like when your band plays in some shithole bar, you don’t care that only 8 people are there, because if there were any more people you would feel "too mainstream" anyway. Don’t you worry about being "too mainstream.” I’m pretty sure your concerts that consist of you with a laptop just full of animal noises and snare isn’t going to catch on anytime soon. I’m not hating hipsters, I’m just saying.


Tuesday, April 8, 2008

A TALE OF TWO PROMOS

Today has been an exciting day of promotions here in New York. We were introduced to new products from both Jamba Juice and Starbucks. Being a sucker for anything free, I attended both events, but had two very different experiences. Jamba Juice rolled out their new breakfast meals, and was offering free breakfast between the hours of 6am and 10am. I was so excited that I even left for work a little earlier than normal to insure that I would reach Jamba Juice before 10am. I arrived, and the place was packed. The people behind the counter looked crazed, shouting out orders and running all over the place. Everyone was having a great time though, they were playing Michael Jackson music and keeping it very upbeat; they were even counting down until the promotion was over. I chose to have a Peach Mango Granola Topper, and it was quite delicious and filling. It was basically a smoothie with mangos, peaches (obviously) bananas, soymilk and low-fat yogurt, then it was topped with the most delicious organic granola I have ever tasted. It just had this wonderful icy and crunchy texture and really felt energizing and healthy. I would definitely order it again.

My Starbucks experience, however, was nothing to write home about; I was very disappointed. At noon, Starbucks rolled out it’s new “Pikes Place Brew” which is supposed to change the world as we know it. Basically it’s just normal coffee that is going to be brewed fresh every 30mins, which in my opinion should be expected anyway if I’m going to pay 4 dollars a cup. CEO Howard Schultz has claimed that "It's the best of Starbucks," It will be freshly roasted and shipped directly to stores, hand-scooped, freshly ground and brewed in small batches. Baristas have been told to throw out any brew that hasn't been served within 30 minutes. We’ll be pouring out more coffee than most people serve.” Really? That sounds like a great business plan. I have also been reading this Starbucks Employee Gossip Blog that is just hilarious. Some of the things that these people write are just, for a lack of better word, amazing. I am truly amazed at how brainwashed some people can get. Just read this one barista’s post, I love how she thinks that Starbucks is actually trying to save the world….

“This is the finest coffee that we can make. ALL of this coffee is in the store within 2 weeks of its roasting date, and is fresh everyday, delivered from our new roasting plant, intended for your satisfaction. Its a mild coffee and is made fresh every 30 minutes, instead of every hour. Starbucks spent alot of money on this. I just would like to share with you, that we are not just about baristas, and frapps. Its about the farmers as well. We help their children eat, and the farmers take great joy into working with us. I encourage all of you on Tuesday to go to your local store and try the new blend. And when you try it, think of the positives instead of just assuming the coffee sucks. To us, coffee is a goal, and a dream. If anything, work together. We have gone astray with the values that we used to have, so hang in there as we transform that company back to what it was inteded. Quality service, and great tasting, fresh, coffee.”


I think I’ll skip the commentary and let that stand on it’s own. So I went over there at noon and no one was in the place, no one looked excited, and I didn’t see them giving out any free cups of coffee. So I left and went back to the office. This is the coffee that is supposed to change the world, the least they could do is put up a banner outside. Where coffee is concerned, I’ll stick with McDonald’s.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

NO CUTS NO BUTTS NO COCONUTS

Yesterday when I was politely waiting to purchase my ten items or less from the grocery store, a women blatantly cut in front of me. This was not a two lines merging cut, or "hey I for got one item, let me go grab it really quick." She just blatantly cut in front of me. Let me set the scene….


INT: FOOD EMPORIUM AT 49TH ST. AND 8TH AVE. EVENING

We are in the basement of a New York City grocery store. The grocery store is nicer than the typical bodega and appears very corporate and clean. The shoppers are a diverse group containing people of all income levels, ethnicities and ages. Carrying their items in WIRE BASKETS and hilariously tiny SHOPPING CARTS they try to maneuver their way down the tiny isles. Each isle can only comfortable fit one person at a time.

We see KIKI, she is tall, thin, very beautiful, and has short brown hair. She is dressed in casual yet trendy clothes. She is tired from working hard all day and appears as though she is going through the motions. In her basket she has: ASPARAGUS, EGGS, STEAK, BUTTER, POTATOES, LEMON JUICE, and a SIX PACK OF PBR. KIKI appears to be having a little trouble carrying her basket because it is heavy, she is awkwardly leaning to the side to balance the weight. She comes around the corner from the produce department and sees the TEN ITEMS OR LESS LINE.

LAWANDA is the cashier behind the counter and she is checking someone out. There is no one else in line. KIKI walks up to the small checkout counter and places here items on the conveyor belt. A large older WOMAN in her 60's walks up in front if KIKI and places TWO CARTONS OF ORANGE JUICE on the conveyor belt in front of KIKI's items.

KIKI
(Confused, looking around like she doesn't know what is going on)
Umm… what? Uhh..
-
LAWANDA
(to the woman)
Excuse me, I think this young women was in front of you.
-
WOMAN
(in a Mexican accent)
No, I was here first
-
LAWANDA
(still finishing up the transaction from the person before kiki)
No you weren’t. I saw that she was first and then you came up and put your items in front of her.
-
KIKI
(filled with rage, but not wanting to cause a scene)
It's fine, whatever.
-
LAWANDA
(to the women)
You know she was before you.
-
WOMEN
(in a very rude tone)
No I was here, I just wasn't standing in the line, so don't talk about things you don't know about.
-
KIKI
You weren’t in the line.
-
WOMEN
(to KIKI and LAWANDA)
What is this, an army where you have to stand in a straight line? I was here, I was standing over there.

LAWANDA takes the TWO CARTONS OF ORANGE JUICE and rings them up. The WOMEN takes 3 minutes counting out her cash. Pays and then leaves.

- THE END -

So that’s how it happened, I didn’t think people still tried to do stuff like that and get away with it. I am all about getting to be the first for things. I have no qualms about pushing my way to the front of the subway platform to insure that I will get in the car. But I would never just deliberately just cut in front of someone in an organized line. If you would like to learn more about the art of line cutting and what is and is not acceptable, they spell it all out for you in the Cutting (in line) Wikipedia article.